2017 in Review

As we come to the end of 2017, I thought I'd share a few highlights from my blog this past year:

Disruptive Children
This was by far the most viewed post on my blog, not only this year, but of all time! It was a little overwhelming to have such a emotional post receive so much attention, especially since after a couple of days I was able to process everything that happened and I wasn't feeling hurt anymore. But I found that this is a subject that many people could identify with, and I really appreciated hearing from so many people who shared encouragement and similar experiences that they have gone though.

Baby Kraken
One of my favourite crafts of the year.

The Power of Words
Sometimes I read through some of my old writing and find it very applicable to my current situation. This is one of those posts, so I thought I'd share it again so you can be encouraged by it too!

I Wish
This is one of my favourite poems from this past year. One of the struggles of being a very sensitive person is that I see when others are struggling, and I want to help somehow, but I also want to respect their space and don't want to say the wrong thing. Far too often I second guess myself for too long and lose the opportunity.

Fear, Your Day is Over
Something that many people don't know about me is how fear used to control so much of my life. I used to lie awake for hours, paralyzed with sheer terror, certain that I was going to die at any moment. Through God's grace that kind of fear is no longer a part of my life, but there are still days when it tries to creep back and gain a hold again. On one such day, this is what I had to say to it.

What are some of your favourite posts from 2017? I'd love to hear from you!

Mommy Moments: I'm Raising a Squirrel

My almost-3-year-old had ripped apart a "shaker" made in Sunday School and was a playing with the beans that were inside. I thought nothing of it until I noticed that he was hiding them one by one in the crack behind the couch cushion.

Me: What are you doing, Steven?

Steven: Mommy, I'm putting the beans away for wintertime.

Me: ...

Me: Steven, we don't put beans in the couch. (Goes to take the beans away from him.)

Steven: I'm putting them away for wintertime! Mommy Mommy no! Go do laundry!

Me: ...

(I take away the beans.)

Steven: Mommy's going to put them away for wintertime!

Merry Christmas 2017

Merry Christmas!

Much love, Leane and family

Isaiah 9:2

The people walking in darkness
walking in depression
walking in anxiety
walking in grief
walking in fear
lost and alone

Have seen a great light
a great hope
a great peace
a great joy
a great love
a Saviour

On those living in the land of deep darkness
the land ravaged by famine
the land torn by war
the land shattered by injustice
the land numbed by affluence
a broken and hurting world

A light has dawned
a hope has dawned
a peace has dawned
a joy has dawned
a love has dawned
God is with us

A Toddler Christmas Tree

I see your Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and raise you a... Toddler Christmas Tree!

This fine specimen has a 100% success rate of staying upright (so far), and entirely unbreakable decorations (if you don't count the lights). The top half of the tree sports several sparkly necklaces from the dress-up box and a nice assortment of Christmas cards and photos, as well as one star ornament. The bottom half of the tree holds two paper chains which are sometimes on the tree, sometimes on the floor, and sometimes being waved wildly around the house. Best of all, I can tell you with pride that this Christmas tree is 74.5% conflict free. The primary source of conflict has been stopping the toddlers from unplugging the lights. There has also been a very small number of arguments between the toddlers regarding whose paper chain is whose.

I had great aspirations of setting up a more tastefully decorated Christmas tree downstairs where my breakable ornaments would be safe, but have not had the time or energy to indulge in such a frivolous desire. Besides, when one has such a fine Toddler Christmas Tree, how could one wish for anything else?

Complaining Again?

I've realized that I complain a lot.

Well, more accurately, I had it pointed out to me.

The first time it was pointed out was sometime in the past by my wonderful husband—or possibly fiancé or boyfriend at the time, I honestly don't remember when it was. All I remember is that I was quite shocked. What did he mean, I complain a lot? That wasn't true... was it? But as I started to watch for it, I realized that he was right. I did complain a lot. So I tried to change. I thought I did a pretty good job.

And then, recently, I was again told that I complain a lot. Again, it caught me off guard, but I had to admit that it was true. I really don't want to be a negative, complaining kind of person, so I figured I should take a step back and try to figure out what is going on.

I thought I'd share what I found.

I can trace a lot of my complaining back to a very simple scenario: someone asks me, "How was your day?"

I'm a stay at home mom of a 15-month-old and an almost-3-year-old. Want to know how my day was? I had to stop the children from standing on the kitchen table at least 15 times today, and Kenneth dumped an entire pitcher of water on the floor, and Steven had a conniption fit because I wouldn't let him unroll the toilet paper all over the bathroom, and they both refused to nap, and at least three toys were broken, and I'm really tired, and the house is a disaster, and I still haven't started making dinner yet. Thanks for asking, how was your day?

And here is where I run into difficulty: what is "being honest", and what is "complaining"? Because if you ask me how I'm doing, I'd rather not just say "good". Especially if I'm not doing "good". So then what do I say?

I don't think it's wrong to talk about our struggles or the challenges that we are facing, but I had to ask myself why it is that I am drawn to talk about all of the negative things first. Because the reality is, there are also good things that happen in my day. Maybe Kenneth learned a new word, or Steven cleaned up a mess without being asked, or I got a text from a friend I haven't seen in a while. Why do I pass those things over in favour of talking about the stressful, challenging parts of my day?

I think one reason is that the challenging things are louder. They demand my attention. Steven might sit and read books nicely for half an hour, but a five minute tantrum will remain in my memory for much longer. Because there are so many challenging things in my day, I need to fight to notice and remember the positive things, and celebrate them.

I also think I'm drawn to talk about the stressful things because I want affirmation. I want people to know how rough my day was, because then they will realize how amazing I am for making it through relatively unscathed. They may even encourage me, and tell me that I'm a good mom and that I'm doing such a great job. If I paint a rosy picture of my day, I won't get that affirmation. At least, that's what it feels like.

It's not wrong to want affirmation and encouragement, but I don't think I should be using negativity as a desperate bid to get affirmation out of people. There has got to be healthier ways! Seeing my tendency to do this makes me realize that I need to build other ways of receiving encouragement into my life, because then I might not feel as driven to complain to get attention. I am also challenged, because I know that the first one I should be seeking affirmation from is God. It is his approval that is the most important. I may know that, but so often my actions show that I have different priorities.

So when someone asks me how I am doing or how my day was, I am trying to stop and give careful thought to my answer. I want to be honest, but be honest about the good as well as the bad. Maybe it was a really hard day, but I can also talk about the blessings that were in it. I want to consider why I choose to respond to people the way that I do. Is it just to get attention and affirmation? Or is it to build up the people around me, and encourage them too?

Mommy Moments: Pretty Lights

Taking Steven for a walk these days primarily consists of explaining to him again and again that "Mommy can't turn on those lights, only the people who live in that house can turn on their Christmas lights."

Mommy Moments: Pep Talk

"Come on! You gave birth to children, you can figure out how to replace an inner tube."

- Me to myself while struggling to fix the stroller's flat tire.

Mommy Moments: Toddler Logic

No, Mommy, it's called "White fish, green fish, green fish, red fish, blue fish".

Mommy Moments: Cookies

A toddler's response when confronted with a pile of partially-eaten cookies:

"Mommy, I can't eat those ones, they don't have any more chocolate chips."

Doctor Who Shawl

It's no surprise that I don't have a lot of time for extra projects these days. "Arts and crafts" projects are especially tricky—if either child is around, they want to know what Mommy is doing, and they want to help! But that doesn't stop me from trying the occasional project, especially when I find a pattern that really makes me think of someone. (Like when I made Toothless and the baby kraken.)

This Doctor Who shawl is another such project, made for a friend of mine. It wasn't too tricky, just time consuming. I think that maybe I should stick to smaller projects until the kids get older!

You can check out the pattern here.

Just getting started, back in June.

And the shawl about to be finished—in October! But you have to admit, it is pretty cool.

Disruptive Children

"Your kids are being very disruptive."

I don't think any parent likes hearing those words, but as the young woman returned haughtily to her seat, I was left reeling. How was I supposed to respond to that? It's not like I didn't know they were being disruptive. That is exactly why we sit up in the balcony at church—so that the boys can move and talk without making too much of a disturbance. This particular Sunday they were especially antsy. All that would stop them from trying to unplug the Christmas lights was running lengths back and forth on the landing at the top of the stairs. I was acutely aware of how noisy they were being, and I was keeping them as quiet as I could.

When that young woman came storming over to me like that, part of me wanted to respond very sarcastically: Thank you, Captain Obvious, I was not aware that my toddler is currently having a meltdown over not being allowed to play with electricity. Thanks for letting me know. But my annoyance was completely overshadowed by my embarrassment and shame. If one person is upset enough to talk to me like that, how many more people are resenting the presence of my rambunctious little family? I felt self-conscious, judged, and unwanted. A social leper. Feverishly, I redoubled my efforts to contain the boys. After Jesse took them to Children's Church, I sat alone, with tears in my eyes. I didn't know how to process what had just happened. I'm still trying to process it.

As the mother of two energetic little boys, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. It probably won't be the last time either. But as a recovering people-pleaser who is constantly aware of the emotions of others, it's really hard to know that other people are being bothered by my children. I don't want to be disruptive, I really don't. But I also want my children to be able to live without constantly being shushed and told to sit down. I want them to grow up knowing that they are valued members of the community, just the way they are—not second class citizens until they've had the enthusiasm of youth choked out of them. I also want to be able to continue to live my life, with my kids in it. I want to be able to sit with them in church, and go to events with them, and include them in things. So I guess that means there will be people who find my children disruptive. But I still feel pretty awful about it. I don't like bothering people.

As for the rest of my story, thankfully there were a couple of things that helped me get though the rest of the morning at church. It was a communion service, and one of the pieces that the pianist played during communion was from Handel's Messiah. That made me think of my favourite Aria from the Messiah, "He shall feed his flock":

"He shall feed his flock like a shepherd
And he shall gather the lambs with his arm
And carry them in his bosom
And gently lead those that are with young."

The memory of those words made me want to cry: and gently lead those that are with young. Oh, how us mothers of the young need that gentle hand! Stretched to our limit day after day to care for and raise these little ones who take every drop of love and attention and patience that we can give. By our own standards and the world's we so often fall short. But no matter how many voices of judgment and criticism there may be, our Saviour is gentle with us. And his is the voice that really matters.

After the service I was also able to talk with a friend who had seen the whole exchange. His indignation on my behalf helped me feel a lot better too.

Garden 2017: Reflections

I finally found time to harvest the last of the carrots, so this year's garden season is officially over. I thought it would be nice to reflect on how it went and some of the successes and failures.

It was an interesting garden this year, because it was our first year in a new place and my first time with a real garden (since I moved out and stopped helping mom with her garden). I got to try out a lot of new things, and had to identify what was already growing in the garden—not always an easy task!

Failures: Learning opportunities:

Probably the biggest disappointment this year was the potatoes. I tried growing potatoes in wire-cage towers lined with newspaper and gradually filled up with dirt as the potato plants grew. Unfortunately, we only ended up with a few tiny potatoes. My guess is that I didn't water the towers well enough and the plants dried up and died too early.

Quite a few of the things I planted didn't do very well, including the lettuce, cucumber, zucchini, and sunflowers. There are a couple reasons, I think. When we first moved in we only had a short hose that couldn't reach the whole garden, which made it a lot harder to water the garden properly, and in my enthusiasm to have a big garden I used an additional garden plot that had clearly not been used for much by the past tenant since it didn't have very good soil and was full of rocks. I tried getting the worst of the rocks out, but it still wasn't that great for growing things.

Successes:

Although many of the things I tried didn't work out, there were still some that did! The peas did very well, and so did the carrots and the kale (which is still growing and being harvested). My strawberries were very happy to be in the ground rather than a pot and they did quite well. One of the plants that came with the garden, the sorrel, also deserves to be mentioned since it did very well too!

Honourable mentions:

I was pleasantly surprised with how well my tomatoes did this year, considering I grew them from seed—something I had never tried before. Although they did very well, unfortunately we didn't get much of a harvest, for two reasons: the kids. Steven absolutely loved the cherry tomatoes and regularly ate all the ripe ones right out of the garden. And as soon as Kenneth became mobile he discovered the joys of picking unripe tomatoes and throwing them around the yard.

My goji seedlings are continuing to do well. Next year I may get a couple berries, but apparently it is the third year when they really start producing. I'm looking forward to that!

So ends my 2017 garden! Now I'm just praying that our landlords will let us renew our lease so I can enjoy gardening here next year too!

Mommy Moments: That Kind of Day

You know it's been that kind of day when the song "the little drummer boy" starts making you cry...

Empty

Water
Flows into 
Cupped hands spilling
Through fingers down on 
Barren, cracked ground
But raised to 
Dry lips
Empty

People

I feel lonely a lot.

I've never been one to have a whole lot of friends, generally preferring to have a few close friends rather than a crowd, but sometimes it feels like I have hardly any friends at all.

It's not for lack of trying. I've made more friends than I can count over my years of Bible School and college, not to mention the friends I had back at home before I moved out. But I've moved, they've moved, sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes we don't. People are so busy. We keep trying to connect, but it never seems to work out. It's easy to just drift apart. I try, but sometimes days and weeks go by without an opportunity to spend time with a friend.

That's a big part of why I like having people live with us. Then at least there are people around, and occasionally we can hang out or have a meaningful conversation. But even living in community, there are still a lot of days when I feel pretty lonely.

My days are long. It's just me and the kids, for hours on end. There are a lot of days when I start feeling pretty desperate for an adult conversation, or some kind of human interaction that doesn't involve toddlers tugging on my legs or the incessant "mommy mommy mommy mommy!" Although being with my kids all day means that I am never alone, I still feel very alone.

The other day, as I was thinking about this, I tried a really interesting exercise. I found it to be helpful, so I thought I would share it with you.

I wrote down a list of people—people that I care about, that I consider to be my friends. The criteria was simple: any person who is a part of my life that I want to be a part of my life, and that I would be willing to make an effort to keep as a part of my life, I included in the list. My list included people of all different ages, living nearby and far away. Friends I haven't seen in a while but would like to connect with again. People who I don't know very well yet but would like to have as friends. Family members too, because those friendships take effort just like the other ones. As people came to mind, I wrote them down.

You know what? That list was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. And suddenly I didn't feel quite as lonely.

I look at that list, and I see a list of people who really matter to me.

I found this to be helpful, because it switched things around from the way I so often think about friendship. I constantly find myself getting caught up in wondering what others think of me, wondering how many people would put me on their "list of friends" or consider my friendship to be a priority, thinking about how rarely people reach out to me, or how infrequently I get to spend time with a friend. Instead, this reminded me of my own priorities—the people that I care about. It made me excited to reach out to them again and invest in my relationships with them.

So the next time you're feeling lonely, I suggest that you give it a try. Like me, you may be pleasantly surprised by how many friends you really have.

Mommy Moments: Success

I think that I can confidently say that I have succeeded as a parent. I have a child who, when it is windy out, throws their arms in the air and triumphantly calls out, "windy!" while spinning in a circle.

I'm so proud.

Mommy Moments: Advice

Never underestimate the ingenuity of a one-year-old who wants something.

Flying with Toddlers

Toddlers on an airplane. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. But it doesn't have to be! As of our last trip to visit family, I have now flown with:

A 7-month-old
A 17-month-old
A 23-month-old and a 3-month-old
A 2 3/4-year-old and a 13-month-old

And we are still living to tell the tale! So far I have found that flying with an infant isn't too hard, because you basically just cuddle them and nurse them and pray like crazy that take-off and landing won't hurt their ears. Toddlers, on the other hand, take a bit more preparation.

Here are seven tips for traveling with toddlers, that I have learned through our traveling experiences:

1. Bring snacks.

This is no time to mess around with mediocre snacks—the more exciting the better! Goldfish crackers. Animal crackers. Candy. Nutella dip (okay, that got a bit messy). As you may notice, most of my concern for feeding the kids healthy food goes out the window when traveling. But there are healthy snacks that are fun to eat too, like apple chips, raisins, and trail mix. Bring a wide variety, just to be safe. There's nothing like a snack to save the day when things are getting rough.

2. Bring toys.

Bring some old favourites and some new toys. I've heard of people bringing a new toy for each hour of travel, but I haven't been that organized. Try to bring a wide variety of options—toddlers are fickle creatures, and you can't always predict what will be a success and what will not. Puzzles and stickers are some of Steven's favourites at the moment. I have a necklace of teething beads that kept Kenneth happy for quite a while. We've also tried books, colouring, toy cars... basically anything the kids generally seem to enjoy that doesn't involve making a gigantic mess (which unfortunately disqualifies a lot of what they enjoy playing with).

3. Plan activities.

You can have more up your sleeve than just pulling out another snack or another toy. The airplane itself can provide some interesting things to do. For example, our boys love turning on and off the little overhead lights and air vents. Unfortunately, they also enjoy turning on the "help requested" button, which gets a little problematic. Exploring up and down the aisle is fun, and a good way to get out some of that endless toddler energy. Our boys enjoy making friends with the other passengers and the flight attendants, which sometimes results in them being given candy!

For those times when you have to stay in your seats, "reading" the flight safety card stored in each seat pocket can be fun. You can also make a puppet out of the barf bag. Another option is singing songs that have actions. I lost count of how many times we sang "running over" to keep Kenneth happy on the last leg of our most recent journey. And in case all else fails, have some kid-friendly apps downloaded on your phone. Sometimes that's all that will work.

Something I am going to do next time is write down a list of each snack and toy and whatever activities I've thought of. In the moment it is really easy to forget about some of them!

4. Pajamas.

Comfortable, and encourages napping. However—

5. Don't count on them napping.

By all means, try to get them to nap, but have enough snacks/toys/activities to last the entire trip, just in case they don't.

6. Don't pack your bag too full.

If it is overflowing with snacks and toys it becomes really hard to find the one that you are looking for. Trust me, I've tried.

7. Don't take things too seriously.

I think this is the most important thing of all. Traveling can be stressful at the best of times, but take a deep breath and try to have fun. There will be messes. There will be tears and tantrums (though hopefully not too many). But this is also a great chance to spend time with your kids, without the endless distractions of dishes and laundry and the countless other things that need to be done every day. Think of it as "quality time", making some unforgettable memories!

Remember

Remember
The ones that died
Giving the ultimate sacrifice
For what they loved and believed in
Remember

Remember
The ones that lived
Broken and scarred, carrying
Memories none should have to endure
Remember

Remember
The innocents, whose
Only crime was that they existed
In the wrong place at the wrong time
Remember

Remember
Our broken world
Where the real forces of evil
Are not at the other end of our guns
Remember

Remember
Our own hearts
So often driven by greed and fear
Each moment a chance to instead choose peace
Remember

Days Outside Time

Days outside time,
Rambling on like the endless fields and little hills.
Long days stretch indefinitely,
Carefree, like summer days of childhood—
The peaceful beauty of the unremarkable
Slowing my heart to sing the simple melody
Of woods and fields and little rivers,
Of long walks and long naps,
Warm light spilling out into the crisp autumn air,
The smell of supper cooking on the wood stove,
A game of cards around the table,
Laughter and friendly banter,
A second helping of dessert.

Time beckons again with its hurry and noise—
The weight of cares seems both heavier and lighter.
I linger, even as my mind propels me forward;
Carrying them in my heart,
These days outside time.

Fall 2017

I think I like Fall
The best of all...

An Ordinary Nail

October 31, 1517. The day that is known as the day on which Martin Luther nailed his ninety-five theses to the door of the Wittenberg Cathedral.

I imagine he used an ordinary nail.

This wasn't the first time he'd had a problem with something going on in the church of that time, and this wasn't the first time he had written about it. He had no idea that this time the effect of his words would be felt across the world, and that his action would be remembered and celebrated five hundred years later.

Interestingly, Luther wasn't intending to break away from the church. He was simply making a critique and calling for a change. But his document caused such a stir that the powers of the time told him that he needed to recant his words, or else. In the end he broke away from the Cathodic Church, and his actions are often proclaimed as the start of the Protestant Reformation.

Luther's actions and words clearly made a significant impact on history, but he was not the first one to make those critiques of the Catholic Church. The way was already paved by others. The Protestant Reformation, though so often attributed to Luther's initiative, was actually the result of countless choices and countless actions by countless people. Did any one of those people know the significance of their actions?

For example, roughly eighty years before Luther's ninety-five theses, Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press. This played a huge role in setting the stage for the Reformation to happen. The Bible, which before had to be copied by hand, suddenly became accessible to more than just the very rich. And as soon as the Bible was translated into the language of the people, instead of only being in Latin, that too became accessible in a way that would have been impossible before. The printing press also made it possible to distribute other written works further and quicker than ever before - works such as Luther's ninety-five theses.

There are countless others who contributed to the Protestant movement, both before and after Luther. Some helped, some hindered. They often disagreed with each other. There were acts of great faith and heroism, and despicable acts that we cringe to have associated with the history of our faith. The Catholics persecuted the Protestants, the Protestants persecuted the Catholics, the Protestants and the Catholics both persecuted the Anabaptists. The history of the Reformation is not necessarily bedtime story material. But it is full of ordinary people, like us, saying things and doing things.

Like the people of history, we do things and we say things. We call up a friend, say hi to someone we pass on the street, write a blog post, live our lives. We don't know the impact that it will have, seen or unseen. That's a little bit scary, because so often our actions and words are thoughtless and careless. But it is also encouraging, because if you're like me, you'd really like to change the world and make it a better place, and sometimes it seems like you have to nail the right document on the right door at the right time in order to make that difference, but that's not true. The things we do and say may not be specifically remembered years later, but the ripple of effects coming from our normal every-day lives and decisions will continue to spread and make a real difference in the world.

500 years ago, Luther used an ordinary nail, and history was never the same.

Grape Fruit Leather

I don't makes things with grapes very often, because grapes tend to be expensive. But at the moment I happen to have access to a lot of Concord grapes, so I thought it would be fun trying to make something with them.

Since I also have access to a dehydrator, I decided on making fruit leather. I haven't really made fruit leather before. In the past we have generally used our dehydrator to dry apple slices and other fruit. But drying grapes would just make raisins, so I thought I should try something a little different.

The first task when making something with Concord grapes, I have learned, is removing the seeds. How you go about doing that is by "popping" the grapes - squeezing each grape until the insides pop out of the skin. You save the skins for later and all the insides go in a pot to be cooked briefly then put through an applesauce strainer.

Once the seeds have been removed you add the skins back in, along with some sugar, and cook the mixture on the stove for a while. Once it was cooked I used a blender to puree it.

The grape puree filled two trays in the dehydrator. I used one fruit tray that came with the dehydrator and I put parchment paper over a second tray and left it to dry overnight. Interestingly, the parchment paper tray did better than the other tray!

I thought it would be fun to roll the fruit leather up in long strips with wax paper, just like fruit roll-ups from the store! Kenneth wasn't sure what to think of it, but Steven really liked the "grape chips". I consider the fruit leather to be a success. Since there are so many grapes, maybe I'll make another batch!

What To Do

One of the best things about vacations (especially the visiting-relations-who-love-taking-care-of-your-kids-for-you kind of vacations) is that they give you lots extra time to think and dream and plan. I've been doing lots of thinking and dreaming and planning lately, even before our vacation started. Perhaps it has been a way to mentally escape from the dirty diapers and laundry and tantrums, reminding myself that this is just a season. It will pass.

I've never been very good at long-term planning, which is kind of funny considering how much I like planning in general. I think it is because I've never been able to settle on what I want to do with my life. I'm not even very good at deciding what I want to pursue next.

There are a lot of things that I enjoy, and a lot of things that I want to do. For example, I'd love to go back to school. I really enjoy learning, and I'm good at academics. But even if I decided to go back to school, that just leads to more decisions. What school do I go to, and what do I study? There are many subjects I am interested in, including psychology, anthropology, education, theatre, Christian spirituality, and history.

And as much as I'd enjoy being a perpetual student, what would my goal be for further education? I'd love to get a Masters degree, but a masters in what? I'd love to be able to teach at a post secondary level, but what would I teach?

And then there's theatre. If you've known me for very long at all you know about my love of theatre and the way that it builds community and brings people together. I'd love to get the training I need to improve my skills as a director. I'd love to be a director again! It's been four years since the last time I directed a production - and there was a time in my life when I'd start getting antsy if it had been longer than a year!

And then I've really been enjoying my writing. Beyond this blog and the storytelling project that I'm a part of, I am also in the middle of revising my musical based on the story of Ruth. And as if those aren't enough, I have a plethora of other script and story ideas just waiting to be written.

But my days only have 24 hours, and my weeks only have 7 days. And for this season, most of those are claimed by the little people who call me Mommy. But in the hours and minutes that I can claim for myself, there is so much I want to do! How do I even begin to choose?

I hope that I will have the chance in my life to pursue most if not all of the different things I think about. But since the time I have right now is so limited, I want to be intentional with it. What do I pursue? Education? Theatre? Writing? Something else?

I don't know.

Quote

This week has been and is a busy, stressful one. I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to write much, but I thought that I would share a quote with you that I really like and find encouraging. I hope you have a wonderful week, and I hope to be posting again soon!

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."
     –Victor Hugo

Sorrel Pesto and the Mystery Plant

We love pesto, but it's definitely not cheap. That's why the idea of making our own pesto has always interested me. I tried making a kale and walnut pesto once, but I forgot to add salt and it didn't really turn out. But that was a long time ago, and I decided it was time to try making pesto again. Before I share the recipe I used, I first need to tell you the story of the mystery plant.

We moved into our current home in January—while there was snow on the ground—so we didn't have much of an idea of what we'd find growing in the gardens. We were told there would be tulips, and we could see a couple rose bushes and hydrangeas, but other than that we got to be surprised as things came up. As the spring and summer progressed we were able to identify most of what we found in the gardens, but one thing had us stumped: a set of three large plants that looked very much like spinach. The problem was that they came up from root balls that have clearly been there for a long time—and spinach is an annual plant, not a perennial. We made guesses and asked around and did some Google research, but nothing seemed to make sense. So I just gave up for a while. I felt sure that they must be edible because they are growing in what had clearly been a vegetable garden, but I didn't want to harvest it unless I knew what it was. The plants grew and went to seed and died back. But then once the cooler weather of fall arrived, the plants started growing again, and once again I got the motivation to find out what they are. I decided to try eating a leaf, and found that it was sour and lemony and tasty. That gave me something to work with, and after some research I came to the conclusion that it must be sorrel. It looks right and tastes right, and sorrel is a perennial plant. Mystery solved!

Now that I had three large sorrel plants, I really wanted to do something with them! I looked around for recipes and discovered that you can make sorrel pesto! I knew that I had to give it a try.

The recipe for sorrel pesto is very simple: two cups of packed sorrel leaves, half a cup of slivered almonds, two cloves of garlic, some salt and pepper, and a quarter cup olive oil. You mince the first five ingredients in a food processor and then add the oil. You can find the recipe I used here.

Apparently two cups of packed leaves is a pretty vague measurement. I think I managed to fit a lot more sorrel into my two cups than I was supposed to, because my pesto definitely needed more almonds, and oil, and everything else really. But it was easy to make the additions, and turned out beautifully!

I put the pesto in a canning jar in the fridge and we have enjoyed it for a couple different meals now. You can definitely taste that it is made from a plant, more so than pesto from a store, but it is still really good! I consider sorrel pesto to be a success!

One More Potato

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought that I would share something else that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for one more potato.

Let me explain.

I was preparing food for the Sunday potluck that we host every week. I had decided to make what I dubbed a "Thanksgiving shepherd's pie", basically a shepherd's pie with a layer of stuffing on top of the mashed potatoes. (It actually turned out really well! I would recommend trying it.) As I was peeling and chopping potatoes and putting them on to boil, I wondered if I had prepared enough potatoes. After some consideration, I decided I should peel one more, just in case. I reached down into the cupboard and pulled out one more potato.

One more potato. That was all. But that moment was very profound for me.

You see, most of us can reach into the cupboard and pull out another potato. It's so normal, we don't even think about it. But I invite you to consider for a moment with me just how amazing that is:

We have so much food. Even though there have been times when money was short, we've never gone hungry.

I get to choose what food I want to prepare. I have access to almost any kind of food I could want.

Food is a thing. Have you ever thought about that? Things grow that are edible, and we can use them to get the nutrients we need to live.

I have a wonderful, large kitchen that I get to use. It isn't a dark cave or very old and dirty like some of the other kitchens in places we have lived.

We have a large household, with an open door. I've always wanted it to be like that. We aren't just a family of two parents and two kids—we have opened our home to so many, and I am thankful for each of them.

One more potato—such a simple thing—but a reminder that I have so much to be thankful for.

What is something normal in your life that has reminded you to be thankful?

Thankful

Not long ago, I received an email update from a friend who is a missionary overseas. As I was reading her email, one quote seemed to jump right off the page:

"The next step after a seed is planted is not fruit; it’s roots."

This quote helped me define exactly what it is that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving—roots. I am starting to grow roots, however slowly and tentatively. It feels like it has taken such a long time to feel secure enough for roots to start taking hold. And no wonder—in the ten years since I finished high school I have lived in ten different homes, across four different cities/parts of the world. I suppose that's the life of a student, but it always seemed like I would just start making friends and then have to say goodbye; I would just get used to my classes or work and then be moving on to the next chapter. But somehow, just recently, I am actually starting to feel like I belong where I am, like I have roots.

It is easy to become frustrated by a perceived lack of "fruit", feeling like I don't have many friends, like I don't belong, like I'm just surviving. But this quote helped remind me that things take time. We can't throw our lives together in a few days or weeks. Our lives are more like a garden—grown and cultivated over many years. It's so easy to see how far I have to go, but today I'm thankful that my roots are growing.

Part of me is terrified that something will happen, that things will change again, and I will again feel the pain of those tender roots being torn out of their soil. It has happened so often over the past ten years—so often that those roots that used to stretch out eagerly have become reluctant and tentative. But still, there they are.

The place where I have noticed these roots the most lately is at church. Jesse and I have been attending the same church for four years now—ever since we got married and decided that we wanted to find a home church. Last Sunday we had a communion service and there was a time of sharing when people from the congregation could stand up and share something that was on their heart. As I looked around the congregation, I suddenly realized that I felt like I was home, that this is my church, and my family. It was quite an overwhelming moment for me, because I haven't felt like that in so long.

I am very thankful for my church. It is not perfect, of course, but I see a community of people who are learning and growing and seeking to follow in the way of Jesus. It is a place where we have a voice and where we have something to offer. Jesse and I are still trying to make friends there—it is slow going, especially when so much of the congregation has been attending for so long and already has their friends and connections. But at least now when I look around me I see faces that I know. There are many whose stories I have heard, and many whose struggles I know and care about.

Sometimes it is easier to think about how it takes so long for roots to grow. Our Thanksgiving weekend is event-less, except for playing a game of D&D online with a friend. Our family is far away, and most people are busy with their own families. We keep trying to make new friends and connect with old friends who are still in the area, but it always seems like everyone is too busy. But this Thanksgiving I want to focus on the roots that I have been growing, however slowly it may be. I am thankful to finally be home.

I Wish

I wish
I could read your mind
And know exactly what you need to hear

I wish
I could crawl into your heart
And know exactly what you are feeling

I wish
We could be friends
And sit and talk
Or just be silent
Together

I wish
I could show you
There is hope even when
The whispers are saying there isn't
That my presence could be
Like a warm embrace
Against the frost of
Isolation and despair
Because I believe
There is still
Hope

I wish
I could know if it would be
Okay for me to walk over
To you and say
Hi
But then
I wouldn't know
What to say next

I wish
I had words to say
But I hesitate
And you walk by

I wish
You could know
That I see you

Red Pepper Jelly

With the end of summer comes canning season! Last year I didn't get to do much canning (for a good reason!) so it was nice to be able to return to canning again this year. So far we have canned peaches, salsa, spaghetti sauce, jam, and my most recent addition—red pepper jelly! I've wanted to try making red pepper jelly for several years now, so I finally did it.

I looked up a few different recipes and modified them a bit. I ended up using three cups of pepper purée, which was basically just four red bell peppers chopped up in my food processor, along with two jalapeños. Then I also added a cup of apple cider vinegar, six cups of sugar, and two packets of pectin. It turned out to be just as easy as making a batch of jam! I guess, since I didn't strain the bits of pepper out of it, that technically makes it red pepper jam, but you can hardly tell the bits are in there.

My recipe ended up making six small jars as well as some extra that went into a container in the fridge. I am very happy with how it turned out! My only complaint is that it could be a bit spicier. Next time I'll add another jalapeño!

Look at that beautiful colour! My favourite way to eat red pepper jelly is on crackers with goat cheese. So delicious (and pretty)!

Busy Week!

Since my primary occupation is caring for a one year old and a two and a half year old, it comes as no surprise that I don't get out much. But every now and then an event comes up that I'm interested in, and I put out the effort to go to it. This past week there were THREE events that I went to! And they were all fantastic, so I thought I'd share a bit about them!


The History of the Bible

There was a special lecture at Columbia Bible College last week, called "The Ancient New Testament's Transmission, Translation, and Interpretation: Questions of Reliability". Basically, it was about the New Testament and the process that spanned from the original authors writing their works through to what we have on our shelves today. The speaker was very passionate about the topic, and it was interesting to hear about the thousands of ancient fragments and copies that have been discovered, and the process of comparing them and discerning what the originals said.

After the lecture, I was able to spend some time down in the Metzger Collection, which is a really cool museum of high-quality replicas of artifacts, mostly from biblical times. Their special exhibit was on the Bible and included copies of all sorts of famous old Bibles, like the Book of Kells, which is in the picture above. I got to see the actual Book of Kells when I was in Ireland many years ago, so it was neat to be able to look through (and actually touch) such an accurate copy of it.


TEDx Abbotsford

On Saturday I got to go to the TEDx Abbotsford conference, which was fantastic! There were lots of very interesting speakers on a variety of topics surrounding the theme of "trailblazing". Everything was done very well, from the talks to the food to the activities, and it seemed very professional. My favourite part of the event was being able to meet so many interesting people!


Walk for Reconciliation

I was also able to take the boys to the Walk for Reconciliation in Vancouver. It was a big day, with a mind-boggling number of people participating. It involved a two kilometre walk and a number of events at park with speeches and entertainment and activities.

For me, it was important to go as a way of saying that I care about the injustices that the Indigenous people have experienced and continue to experience in our country, and that I am one of many, many people who want those injustices to be addressed and for there to be reconciliation.

I think my favourite part of the day was watching Steven learn a bit about lacrosse, along with people of all sorts of ages and ethnicities. It was a beautiful picture of what reconciliation can look like, and he had so much fun!

Dress Alterations

A few weeks ago I found this dress at our local MCC thrift store. I loved the fabric, but I didn't really like the style of the dress. It was, however, only three dollars, so I decided to get it and see if I could turn it into a dress that I did like!

The part of the dress that I especially didn't like was the top. I don't like how that style looks on me, and I tend to avoid strapless dresses, especially with little kids who are constantly tugging on my clothes! The dress was also a size too big for me.

The first step was to remove the smocking. I figured that this would be a time-consuming process, but it turns out that if you pull the stitching in just the right way, it unravels and comes out without much fuss at all! I also took apart the top six inches or so of the side seams.

I decided to hand-sew this project instead of using my sewing machine. The fabric of the dress is quite slippery and I was concerned that I might run into difficulties if I used the machine. Hand-sewing is more time consuming, but that didn't really matter because there wasn't much sewing I needed to do. Also, there is something about sewing by hand that makes me feel like I'm pioneering like a boss, even if I don't live in a little house on the prairie.

First, I sewed shoulder seams along the top of the dress, turning what had been the top six inches of the side seams into armholes. Then I had to hem the armholes. And that was it! I decided that I wouldn't worry about a waistline, and instead just wear it with a belt.

I am quite pleased with the final result!

Rain!

Fall weather is here, and we are loving it! These kiddos love water in any form, and they have been having a blast making giant splashes in their pool, "watering the garden", and making mud pies. For the last few days, our times outside have involved getting thoroughly soaked, then going back inside for hot chocolate. Give us wind and rain over a sweltering summer day anytime!

Mother

Gentle arms embrace
Reassuring presence
Banishes nightmares back into
The dream world, untouchable
Haven of safety
This lap, these arms
Bathed in warm light pushing
Back the darkness and fear
The old couch
Worn, but oh so
Comfortable, that is how
I remember it,
Legs curled up inside
Flannel nightie
A soft lullaby
Sends me back
To sleep.

Mine the arms now
Grown larger to embrace
These smaller ones
My lips now give
Healing kisses
And sing lullabies.
I hold my sleeping child
Soft breathing in
My ear, my heart
Overflowing
Still cold fear wraps
Its cord around
My heart, I know
My lips are not
Magic, my presence alone
Cannot banish all pain
The world is so much
Bigger, and scarier
Than I thought.
And so I crawl
Into the lap
That is bigger than mine
Held by arms that
Truly banish fear and pain
Never letting go
My fear is stilled
I sleep.

Feedback

As you may have noticed, my posts have been much more sporadic lately, but now that the summer is over I'd like to get back into some kind of routine for my writing. Before I decide what that is going to look like, I'd appreciate your feedback!

The schedule I have (generally) been following for the past couple of years has been posting twice per week, with Tuesday posts generally being poetry, musings, and thoughts on life, and Thursday posts generally being recipes, crafts, and other things I have been up to.

If you have a minute or two, please leave a comment below! I've included some possible responses that you can refer to by number, or write your own!


1. I enjoy reading your poetry and musings. I would like there to be more reflective, thoughtful content.

2. I prefer the recipes and crafts. I would enjoy more hands-on content.

3. I follow your blog to hear about your life. I want more family updates and "Mommy Moments".

4. There is something else I enjoy that I would like to see more of: _______

5. I have a new idea for something that you haven't tried before: _______

6. I think you should post more frequently. I would like having more to look through when I visit your blog.

7. Less posting would be fine with me. I don't visit your blog very often.

8. I like it when you post links to your blog on Facebook. It reminds me to check out what you've been writing.

9. I don't like it when you post links on Facebook. It's kind of annoying.

10. I think that what you have been doing works really well. Keep it up!

Summer 2017

The kids have been keeping me busy this summer. Kenneth learned to walk and climb! If I turn my back on him for a minute I'll find him up on the couch or on his brother's bed. Kenneth's new found independence means that the kids have been playing together (and fighting!) a lot more. Steven runs through life at full speed and full enthusiasm. He has lots to say, and loves singing and reading stories. He has started to play pretend with his stuffed animals, which is so cute. We didn't get away from home much this summer, but we've had lots of visitors from out of town, and we were able to go for a family hike up Needle Peak and do some canyoneering down Fire Creek (without the kids). Here are a few pictures from our summer:

Keeping cool in the summer heat

Checking out the solar eclipse

Holding the eclipse in our hands

Posing for a photo

Exploring Fire Creek

Chillin' in a waterfall

Steven leading the way up Needle Peak

Lunch break!

At the summit